God of W- Shadow of th- Castlevania, Lords of Shadow

Castlevania: Lords of Shadow

I’m happy to say that this game was a Christmas present, that way it isn’t me who has to deal with the shame of having purchased this blight. Castlevania, what the hell have you sunk to? I’m still having trouble accepting that the big “Castlevania” on the front cover isn’t being used ironically. This won’t be the longest bash review, because there really isn’t a lot Castlevania, Lords of Shadow did wrong. What they did right was borrowed, so at least they don’t have to worry about their original material being judged. Let’s have a list then, shall we?

Castlevania: Lords of Shadow

Borrowed Material:

  • Combat system. Press buttons! Press them faster! Press! Win!
  • Weapon style. Swingin’ a chain, swingin’ a chain…
  • Ability upgrade system. I learned how to swing a chain in a circle! Again.
  • Enemy encounters. We’re all weak and small and easily killed! Oh no!
  • Enemy mounts. Gotcha, cyclops! I mean, werewolf…
  • Action input sequences. Press any button… now! Bet that was challenging.
  • Giant bosses that rely on action input sequences. Press… yawn… press…
  • Hook-based movement and climbing. Flingin’ a chain, flingin’ a chain…
  • The fact that the main character is avenging a fallen loved one. Really…?
  • Almost everything. The other games were cool, right? Let’s capitalize.
  • Pointless nudity. Yes, Lords of Shadow resorted to nudity. Why? Well, they were on a roll, weren’t they? Why not go for broke?

 

Original Material:

  • Characters. Sort of. Gabriel is pretty damned generic.
  • Plot. Probably. I didn’t get very far before I sold it.
  • Setting. No way they could borrow the Greek motif.
  • Visuals. Gotta make your own textures.

Castlevania: Lords of Shadow

And that is the conclusion to the review. It’s a little short, isn’t it? Would you like some plot description for further content? I can do that. Gabriel is on a quest to figure out why God abandoned Earth. He tries to ask his dead wife by communing to spirits. She doesn’t give him any helpful advice. He meets an old man named Zobek who appears to have been documenting his journey from beginning to end. They don’t travel together. Gabriel spends the whole game trying not to look like Orlando Bloom, but fails horribly. The end.

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