Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess, Midna’s Bitch

Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

That’s right. That’s what you are. I’ll get to why you’re her bitch and who she even is in a little bit, but first, I would like to say how pleased I am that this game was released on both the Gamecube AND the Wii. Score! Retro or modern, this game appeals to all! Because seriously, who can say no to the Legend of Zelda series? It’s good.

So what does Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess have that Ocarina of Time does not? What’s changed? The plot has certainly changed, mostly. There are loads of new weapons and tools to fiddle with, new characters to interact with, huge new areas to explore… It’s even changed the complexity of dungeons. Quality is consistent, enjoyment is guaranteed.

Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

Let’s go over the plot. I know what comes to mind when you think Legend of Zelda. The princess gets captured by Ganon, who’s going to use her power to become ever-stronger and do whatever it is he would do with all that power. Not this time around, baby. This, time, a rift to the dimension of Twilight has been torn open, and the world is at risk of being consumed.

Link, our hero, is just an ordinary farmer in the village of Ordon. His life is simple… until strange creatures come and kidnap the local children! Link goes to save them, being the noble fella that his is, and… winds up being sucked into the Twilight dimension and turned into a furry. Bugger. Even worse, he’s made the servant of the quirky and somewhat sadistic Midna. Midna’s a spunky little imp who provides most of the plot details throughout the game. She also constantly criticizes you, tells you what to do, makes fun of you, assaults you with sarcasm, and flirts you to death. And, uh… Yeah, Zelda got kidnapped again. This time by some weirdo from Twilight named Zant, and he’s no sparkly vampire. He’s the mask-wearing ass-kicking dictator of a legion of demons. Midna wants him dead, because apparently he took something from her, something dangerous.

Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

This game is worthy of a no-spoilers policy, so I’ll have to leave it at that. Now, game mechanics and playing experience. First of all, the playstyle is exactly the same. Travel to new places, dive into dungeons, solve puzzles, and get a spiffy item. Afterwards, you use that item to solve better puzzles. You’d think it’s rather boring, but the complexity of the dungeons and the quality of the puzzles keep you from going, “Oh great. Now to solve yet another Rubik’s cube. Yawn.” Best of all, items have a longer lifespan than just the dungeon they’re found in and a bit of the next. You’ll be using each and every item consistently, preventing items from becoming obsolete in later areas. I noticed that was a bit of a problem in Ocarina of Time, where things like the Eye of Truth started becoming “every once in a blue moon” items rather than objects of necessity.

Here’s some more good news: Secondary missions! Perfectionists beware. You want to collect all those heart pieces, all those special weapons that are awesome but impractical? You’d better explore the whole damned world of Twilight Princess, and I’m not just talking one dimension here. That’s right, boys and girls. You’ve got a lot to do before you can say you’ve hit 100%. It’s almost as bad as Skyrim. But hey, at least you aren’t bringing salt piles to Argonians! You’re bringing milk to old ladies. … Yeah, that’s not a good note to end on… Uh.

Got it. Midna. Yeah, she’s sure a fan favorite, I tell ya. In my opinion, the game would be loads more boring if it weren’t for her, the little red-headed fist-haired imp. Midna is six thousand times more awesome than Navi, for the record. No “Hey, listen!!!” exploding your ears every two seconds; with Midna it’s more along the lines of, “Hey stupid, slow down. No, not that slow, speed up! Gosh you’re dumb.” You’ll love it.

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