Super Smash Brothers Brawl, a Sarcastic Review

Super Smash Brothers Brawl

Here’s the entire review in a nutshell: This game is amazingly good and will continue to be until the next installment comes out. Play alone, with friends (in the same room, unlike how the industry keeps trying to kill splitscreen), with your imaginary buddy, it’ll be the best day of your life until you play again. Now, true to the title, I shall write this review in a completely sarcastic demeanor, starting immediately.

Super Smash Brothers Brawl was the least anticipated game on the Wii, for thousands of painfully obvious reasons. First off, it doesn’t add anything new to the game. It doesn’t add a long, well-developed campaign of up to two players that serves to both immerse and impress for hours on end, and there’s no way it has around eight thrilling bosses to fight, each originating from a game relating to one of the horribly few playable characters.

Super Smash Bros Brawl

Oh, did I mention that they didn’t even add a ton of new of characters to the game? Lucas from Earthbound, Snake from Metal Gear, Sonic from… Sonic, Meta Knight from Kirby… Don’t look to this game for these characters, because they’re not even included. That’s right. They failed you twice, because they didn’t even bother to bring back old favorites. Besides, who remembers how Fox’s up-B always leads to comically failed recovers? Who can recall the cheap laugh when Link forgets to throw a bomb and is subsequently subject to immolation? Who feels nostalgic when they see Marth pull off his shield-breaker at full charge on a +%100 damage opponent? Not this hardened veteran of a Nintendo gamer, I can tell you that.

Micro-interlude from the sarcasm, because it’s really painful for me to smack talk this game even in good humor. There are some factors that might take away from “serious players’” enjoyment of the game. The implemented Final Smash can turn a battle in an instant (or so many claim), and the physics are a bit too slippery. Those are all the negatives. If you want to play on Final Destination with no items and no Smash Orbs and have NO FUN, be my guest. I’ll be chillin’ in Luigi’s Mansion and throwing crates full of Bob-ombs at Giga Bowser. Interlude terminated, sarcasm resumed.

Can you believe they didn’t even put in a stage creator? No, you can’t use a variety of different shapes, objects, and surfaces to make your own unique stage for glorious smashing. You can’t even change the specific tunes played per stage and save them conveniently! What rot. There aren’t any trophies to collect, or stickers, or song discs. It’s like they don’t care about their players and don’t want to make the gaming experience as fun and diverse as possible.

What’s that? You don’t like using the Wiimote for fast-paced action games? Well, you’re in a spot of trouble, because you absolutely can’t plug in your trusty Gamecube controller to your console and enjoy the game at your leisure. So there, why would you even consider purchasing such a bad game? It offers nothing.

Super Smash Bros Brawl

That’s it for the sarcasm. Come to think of it, that was more like saying the opposite of everything rather than sarcasm. At least I acknowledged it. Brawl is amazing. Go out and get it, then play with your friends and have truckloads of fun. Yeah!

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