I mean that in a metaphorical sense. The game stinks. Don’t get me wrong, it has its draws (maybe), but overall, it’ll probably leave you feeling pretty disappointed. I present to you an initial list of negative aspects:

  • Most of not all characters are fugly. That matters to some people.
  • Bad character/weapon to enemy difficulty scaling.
  • Flat plot, lame conclusion. What writers?
  • Boring as ass sidequests, and lots of them.
  • Sketchy character collision. It helps enemies.
  • No characterization aside from brief bios. Utterly shameful.
  • “Special” infected are dumb. Really dumb.

Dead Island

Now, that doesn’t necessarily seem like a lot, but when you realize just how much of the content it affects, you start to wish this goddamned zombie fad would end. Dead Island is a throw-away zombie game that tries to mooch popularity of good zombie games in order to sell. It’s like someone ate a bunch of zombie movies and games and shat this out. It’s an undead turd.

Let’s get specific here. What’s wrong with the undead? They have normal walkers, big beefy walkers, screamy runners, and then the four special infected. The Rams can only be hurt from behind, the Floaters are Boomers (L4D), the Butchers are screamy runners without flinch, and the suiciders… yeah. There’s also a secret boss-type version of the screamy runner, but it’s just bigger with more HP and less flinch. They’re so unoriginal they have to copy themselves. And they don’t even copy the “good” stuff.

Brass tacks, the special infected are only threatening because they’re so hugely built up. They’re too easy to take down because they only appear in ones or twos. Big deal. Bing bang boom, dead special. The reason why the undead SUCK is because of the scaling. The beefy guys are one hit kills on higher levels, the walkers can stunlock you to death, and the screamy runners can screw with the player’s hit box to cheat. So basically, the normal zombies scale up until you can’t walk outside without getting punched in the face and dying because of a normal zombie.

Regarding the player’s hitbox; it’s squishy. Yeah, it helps if you’re stuck in terrain, but the screamy runners can teleport THROUGH you if they get too squished into your hitbox. They’ll run at you in twos, then one will throw a punch a second too late and wind up behind you, at which point the pair will punching bag you to death quickly. This was and is my number one cause of Dead Island deaths. Totally stupid. Yuck.

Dead Island

Sidequests! Not even worth a full paragraph. Gather items, give items. Kill stuff. Some are repeatable! Oh boy! Whoop-dee-fricken-do. Generic-pathetic.

Finally, the plot. Also barely worth a paragraph. A nameless guy says, “Go to the prison island!” So you take your sweet time getting to the prison island. You wind up in some medical facility and do bajillions of filler quests in which some essential NPCs won’t even load. Reset. Reset. Reset. Finally. What the crap, Dead Island? When you finally get there, the mysterious guy goes “Ahh I am a military guy you guys have the cure in your blood I’m gonna kill you and take it and cure my apparently zombiefied wife! Then I’ll nuke the island and leave! Ahaha! FINAL BOSS FIGHT ME BITCHES.” So you do. He just sends riflemen and zombie minions for ten million years, then turns into a big special boring clone of the screamy runners that dies in two hits. WHAT A FIGHT. I want to kill myself.

You escape with an anonymous convict and the island gets nuked anyway. Good freakin’ job. The custom weapons won’t make this crappy game any better, people. That pre-order buzz-saw baseball bat? Who gives a crap. Don’t buy Dead Island in the first place. It’ll rot your brain with its crappy attempt at making money.

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