Fat Princess Lets Them Eat Cake

Fat Princess

Feminists beware, you’re in for a scare. … No, I’m kidding. It’s a cute, whimsical game meant for multiplayer fun-time and boredom killing. It’s not some allegorical misogynist message saying that all women are fat and need to be saved by bearded midgets with squeaky voices. No, I’m not judging midgets with squeaky voices either. What I AM judging is the gameplay of Fat Princess, the aesthetics, and the entertainment value. You know, seeing as this is a game review and not a plight of modern morality.

Basic mechanics are simple. R1 to lock on to enemies, square to perform attacks and pick things up, X to jump, and triangle to perform special functions like swapping weapons or using abilities. That covers it. Simple but effective.

Fat Princess

The game modes follow the same pattern of simplicity. In deathmatch, you kill as many foes as you can as quickly as you can. In invasion, you capture checkpoints for a preset amount of time. In snatch, you capture the enemy’s princess 3 times. Finally, in capture, you attempt to reclaim your kingdom’s princess and hold her for a short period of time. There’s another gamemode called soccer, in which you… well, play soccer while murdering people. It’s really quite fun. Kind of a clusterfunk, though.

Hats! A tiny man isn’t a tiny gentleman without his hat. Nor is he a warrior, because these hats give you your weapons. I’ll cover the worker first, since they have the most pivotal role in the game. The worker can collect wood and minerals in order to upgrade hats, built springboards, castle gates, ladders, etc. The normal worker uses an axe, while the upgraded one throws little bombs. The ranger uses a bow or an upgraded blunderbuss, handy for picking off soldiers from afar. The warrior can use a sword and shield combo, handy for blocking ranged weapons, or a halberd, handy for tearing everyone apart in exchange for defense. The priest can heal others and provide an overheal shield, and the dark priest can drain health or apply a curst of dizziness. The mage can use fire or ice to burn or freeze foes in an area.

Fat Princess

What a mouthful, huh? And that doesn’t even cover the DLC. That basically provides a magical hat that can give one of three classes: the pirate, the ninja, or the giant. If you don’t get what you want, you can press triangle to swap between them for a limited time. Once that time is up, you gain access to the class’s special ability. Here’s the rundown. Pirates slash with their cutlass and can shoot their pistols as a charge attack, then drop a bomb with their triangle ability. Ninjas similarly slash with a katana and throw shuriken after the charge. Their special is to turn invisible. The giants just punch stuff, but their special is the most awesome of them all. You instant-kill an enemy by eating them. AWESOME. And it heals you too. How about that?

Hey, what about campaign? I haven’t played in a long time. Shut up. It’s more or less a bunch of solo multiplayer games with the aforementioned game modes. Whatever.

So yeah! Good times. Oodles of maps, some with lava, some with snow. It’s all good fun. Fat Princess isn’t good for long-term consistent gaming due to its whimsical and simplistic nature. What it lacks in replay value it makes up for with short bursts of cute yet ultra-violent entertainment. More or less, it’s one of those games you play every once in a while when you’re in need of something to kill time with. It’s on the Playstation Network for cheap. The game itself plus the DLC together cost less than half of a console game, so if you’ve got a few spare bucks, go on and get it. Woo! Yeah! Awesome.

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