WarioWare Touched is one of those games that’s nearly impossible to critically review. The reason being? It’s not so much a game as it is a MASSIVE collection of five second or less microgames. You might say, “But review-guru! There’s always plot to be had, right?” Eh… I suppose. If there is any, it’s about as micro as the games. I’ll explain.
Wario’s walking down the street, coming up with a get-rich-quick scheme involving a Gameboy, when he suddenly trips flinging his beloved handheld into an open manhole. Just as quickly as the accident occurred, an old man sporting a toga and angel wings rises from the sewer, holding his Gameboy and a spanking new Nintendo DS. Wario tackles him and yoinks the DS, wondering how the crap it works. When he figures it out (after flailing and flinging the stylus out), he kicks off a new cash-earning scheme to end all cash-earning schemes. And that’s where the crappy microgames come from!
When you enter the lobby, you have a broad selection of characters to choose from, each representing a different touch theme. Let’s say you want to use the microphone a lot. You’d pick Mike, the robot guy. All you need to do here is blow on the mic to get stuff done. Or, say, you want to touch and drag; that would be the black haired Ashley. Like drawing? Kat and Ana, the ninja sisters. Or maybe spinning things? Dr. Crygor will do the trick. On and on.
When you select a character and start playing, the pace is slow, the music is mellow. As you progress, you’ll receive difficulty boosts and the abhorred speed-ups that will turn the microgames from 3 seconds to half a second. You get four lives, so try not to screw up too much, okay? Every eight or so microgames, there’s a boss level that, when conquered, earns you one life back. If you’ve got a bad reaction time, you’ll be dunked by 30. If you’re awesome like me and you have twitchy reflexes, you’ll make it all the way to 70 before crashing and burning like a napalm pigeon. There’s no set end, so you can play into forever if you’re a gaming machine.
Now, I know you want to know about the microgames. Why wouldn’t you? They make up about 90% of the game itself. That’s a big percent. But the problem is, there are so damned many of them. I suppose I can toss out a cluster of examples to give you an idea of what you’re going to be dealing with. You ready?
Poke the kitten! Slice the fruit! Touch them in order! Crank the gear! Patch the shower! Scratch Wario’s back! Drive an RC car to the finish while avoiding a baby! Go bowling! Drag coins into your purse! Make the faces match! Swat the flies! Whisper sweet nothings into your lover’s ear! Detonate the fireworks! Wake him/her up! Circle the buttons! Lead him home! Pop the bubble wrap!
I’m out of digital breath. That isn’t even a fourth of them. You… get my point, though, don’t you? A lot of nonsensical microgames all stuffed together by action theme and set to gradually increase in difficulty the more you succeed? Yeah, you get it.
I like this game a lot, and so does Martin Kitts of Nintendo Gamer. WarioWare Touched is kind of a small game, so reviews won’t have that many major differences in them, but it’s still wise to inspect a product thoroughly before purchasing it! Here’s the inspection button: http://www.nintendo-gamer.net/review/wario-ware-touched-review/